I love Jack Stephens.
Some of that affection stems from the fact I sometimes watch him and think I could play elite level football. Occasionally his turning circle is comparable to that of a P&O cruise ship (our new front-of-shirt sponsor looks great by the way).
What’s the opposite of technically gifted? He’s that.
I think people would, incorrectly, call him a shithouse. There’s a subtlety to shithousery. Those adept at it get away with stuff. Jack doesn’t.
In our first home game of last season’s Premier League campaign, 2-0 down to Manchester United he put in an absolutely shocking knee-high challenge on Alejandro Garnacho.
I know he has a really annoying face but you could have broken his leg Jack. Get yourself straight down the tunnel and into an early ice bath.
That wasn’t in our captain’s plans. In a very visible, and audible, outburst to those around him simply trying to enforce the rules of the sport, Stephens called fourth official Gavin Ward a ‘fucking little cunt’. Referee Stuart Atwell got off lightly, he was just a ‘cunt’. Unsurprisingly, Stephens got a further two match ban resulting in him missing our next five games.
Ten weeks after the incident versus United, Saints were 3-1 down to Chelsea. Yet despite the score, we actually looked alright for one of the very few times that season.
Saints win a corner, and Jack is in the box trying to get on the end of it. He got on the end of something. Marc Cucurella’s bouncy curls. He’s pulled ‘em. Mad Jack has pulled Cucurella’s hair.
I know he sings that song about eating paella, and is a highly annoying little man, but you can’t be doing that.
As I write this I realise Jack Stephens isn’t the first or last person to pull Cucurella’s hair on a football pitch. God he really riles people up doesn’t he. Is Marc Cucurella a shithouse?
Jack Stephens wasn’t supposed to play in the VAR era. He’s a ‘90s footballer born to play alongside the elbows of Al Shearer and the hip-high tackles of Our Lord Francis Benali.
The ref obviously goes straight to his monitor and Stephens gets shown a straight red. Because it was his second of the season that resulted in an additional 1-game ban. The date is the 4th of December 2024, and Southampton have played 14 Premier League matches. Our captain Jack Stephens is now set to be suspended for a total of 9 games and won’t play again until after Christmas.
Can I just remind you of the first four words of this post? I love Jack Stephens.
I want to sprinkle in some redeeming moments to showcase why. After we won at Leicester in the season they beat us 9-0, he mocked Ayoze Perez’s fingers-in-the-ears celebration. Whilst, yes, it’s a futile little snipe at a player who scored three goals against us in the biggest defeat in our history, I gotta say, it’s a great face he pulls. That’s better Jack! Fewer leg-breaking challenges and more funny faces yea. Look at it.
In the play-off semi-final second leg against West Brom, he basically played two positions, stepping into midfield constantly to receive the ball. He was tactically crucial that night, and in the final, moving into central midfield from left-sided centre back. Also, to see how much it clearly meant to him to win with Saints at Wembley was joyous.
And then, we have our opening game of this season, versus Wrexham. Yea yea, recency bias called and wants a word. Well I don’t care. We’ve just got as many home wins as we did in all of 24/25. And that’s thanks to Jack Stephens. And Gavin Bazunu. And obviously Ryan Manning. But mainly Jack Stephens.
In his first huge moment, Lewis O’Brien is clean through to make it 2-0 Wrexham and kill the game, but Stephens shows a decent turn of pace and uses his body excellently to ease O’Brien off it.
Then. Then! The winner. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Stephens in the position he scores from. Why was he there? How did Downs not score before it reaches him? Was a slide the right way to finish that? Outcome over process I guess. It was meant to be. It was meant to be our skipper winning it in front of the Northam.
At the final whistle he’s pointing at Bazunu after his heroic save, and gesturing to the fans to show Gav some appreciation. It was a lovely moment and a glimpse into how Stephens treats his teammates behind closed doors.
But that fucking goal. Saints don’t win like that. We just don’t. I genuinely can’t remember a time when we’ve scored two goals so late to win a game. What's the word again? Appendages? Extremities? Ah. Limbs. In celebration Jack ripped his armband off and screamed at it. I assume in reference to the rather mixed reaction his new three-year contract got. Give him another three. My captain.
We’re called The Cink (pronounced ‘sink’) because of two reasons.
If you go clockwise around St Mary’s starting with The Chapel Stand, the four stands spell out C-I-N-K.
It’s also a little nod to The Pink, a local, longstanding and much-loved sports newspaper which ceased publication in 2017 after 119 years.